2011:(

I’m not looking forward to New Years. It’s going to be rubbish. I don’t have very much to look forward to after it either. I may be made redundant. I need to find somewhere else to live.
I don’t really get the point of the fuss either. I used to like it as a kid because we could stay up late. After that it was because we could get into pubs so we could sneak out on new years. Last year was a pretty good house party. This year, I don’t really know what the point is. Town’s too expensive, but the food and drink for the party has cost just as much as that would have likely cost me.
Then New Years day is nothing fantastic either. Probably just a trip to the cinema with my mister.
Fingers crossed it’ll get better in 2011.

Crappy Christmas

I don’t get it. I love Christmas. After halloween and my birthday, it’s my favourite time of year. But despite the abundance of snow, the beautiful christmas tree in my front room and the ever-growing tower of presents I have purchased for my loved ones, I just simply don’t feel at all Christmassy. Which sucks.

I just spent the last 3 hours in Chesterfield town centre buying extra presents for people I already have presents for. I can’t help it sometimes. It’s the one time in the year when it’s ok to just buy presents without having to think of a reason or a money limit. I’ve bought some amazing presents for people. Some are funny, some are exactly what they wanted and some are just what I think they’ll enjoy. I love the experience of watching a friend or relative opening up a present and instantly falling for it.
I even love sending christmas cards. Some people can’t be bothered and a lot of others I know write very impersonal cards, often just writing ‘from …..’ at the bottom. Not only is that boring but it also doesn’t show someone you care about them. I get that most of the people who do that send out tons of cards so it saves them time. But I also don’t understand why bother sending that many cards? I don’t send them to everyone I know. I’d be writing for months! I send christmas cards to people I really care for, but don’t necessarily want to buy a present for. And I make what’s written inside it more personal.

But even after writing and sending all my cards, buying and wrapping all my presents and decorating the house, I feel a lot less Christmassy than normal. I guess it’s probably work and home stuff, making me feel a little down. But I thought i’d have snapped out of it by now. It’s only 3 days til Christmas after all….

Frisky Fashions

I don’t follow fashion as closely as a lot of people I know. I’m quite a large woman, so a lot the biggest fashion trends simply don’t suit my body type. I wouldn’t say I have an apple figure, but the desired pear-shape is far from my reach. My hour-glass-esque figure (bigger on the bum and boobs, smaller in the waist) means I have to really watch what I wear. In a way, this is quite beneficial. It means I have to try a lot of different clothes rather than just grabbing something off the rail in my size and knowing it’ll at least do. I have to make sure I don’t wear anything too clingy, but nothing too baggy. Either of those will make my figure look much worse than it really is.

Having to deal with this on a daily basis means I have a lot of fast-fashions in my wardrobe. New season stuff that may not suit me or fit me next season. I clear out my wardrobe at least once a year and because of that, I feel more comfortable buying cheaper high-street fashions than hot couture.

I do a lot of my shopping online, which can be quite risky for me. With that kind of shopping, you can’t tell the sizing or the shaping of the outfit you’re buying. I tend to buy clothes from the same places, once I know the size I need, and only experiment within a small number of products, tending to buy others from shops where I can try on. My favourite online shops consist of:

http://www.asos.com

http://www.newlook.com

http://www.clothingattesco.com

There are a few fashions that seem to work as quite a constant for my body shape. I love to wear dresses. I would wear dresses all day, every day if it was practical. MY favourite types are those which flair at the waist. Skater dresses. Prom dresses. Fitted-waist Maxi dresses. That kind of style.

I have recently bought two long-sleeve maxi dresses which I am living in right now. I have one in red, which has a low-neck, showing a bit of cleavage, and the other is a high-lace-necked black maxi. That dress has awarded me the label of ‘goth’ with the kids at work, but I do feel that the dress is very elegant and can be worn for work and dressed up for nights out.

I’ve always been quite safe in my choices of colours, picking mostly black to wear for the extreme majority of my life. However, for the past year, I’ve tried to build a wider array of outfits in different colours and shapes to try and push my comfort zones and re-imagine my style. Recently, my big favourites have been yellow and green. Very summery colours, but teamed with a plain black cardigan, they still work in the winter. During the festive season I have opted for more blues and reds, giving my outfits that bit more class.

And finally, my new favourite coat is one I recently bought from tesco. Not expensive. Not designer. In fact, it was on sale. It’s fur lined and lovely and warm for this chilly time of year. It’s press-stud fastening and is longer at the back than the front, which is a big benefit for people like me with big bottoms!

So, for this time of year, and in fact, all year round. Consider your shape, your colouring, and definitely the price.
😀

Nightmares

It’s really odd. I can scarcely ever remember dreaming, once I’m awake, but I must do it. Everyone does. When I can remember (and it’s very rare), it’s always the recurring nightmares that I subconsciously choose to remember over anything else. It’s pretty awful, really, because you wake up feeling less rested and more hassled that before. Why would your body allow you to remember these things only?

Take this dream, for example. The earliest date I remember this dream from was when I was seven. My grandma used to own a house in Kimberworth, Rotherham. I know it very well and still remember it like I’ve only just come from there. I used to have a dream (the last time I had it was about a year ago) about that house. There were no parents, grandparents or other adults around. The dream would start with me wandering downstairs in the dark and the silence. I’d come to the foot of the stairs, look right and the bathroom door would be closed. The light would be on, however, so I always go to push it open. Inside the bathroom is the villain from the original 1990s Dennis the Menace film, holding my brother’s head under the bathwater. Frightening as fuck. And it always happens that as soon as I see it I freeze. I can’t shout, I can’t help Nick and I can’t run away. Just frozen stuck. The bad guy begins to grin and that’s when I wake up.

Horrific.

But not the only recurring dream (although probably the worst).  I just woke up from a cat-nap. The only reason I woke up was a nasty dream. The dream started in a place I used to work (in my dream, not reality). A hotel. Seemingly, there were some vampires in the hotel where there was also a party going on in the basement. After leaving the basement, I was confronted by a vampire pack. I managed to run away and found two girls and Eamonn Holmes (?!) who had also escapred the pack. They were all covering each other’s backs and were working as a team. We survived for what appeared to be hours. However, it came to a time when I needed to take a leak. The others told me that was when I was most vulnerable and least likely to survive. But they said they’d help. The only toilet was in the attic of this hotel (?!) and to get there you had to climb up a long and winding staircase.  Eamonn offered to cover the bottom of the stairs, being the fittest of us all (?!), and the girls came into the loo with me. As I prepared to hover, Eamonn screamed and, when the girls checked, had disappeared.  I was in mid-flow when I heard a noice outside the window and I begin to turn around, focusing on a shadow. Then, I wake up.

Weird as fuck, right?

God know what that’s about. Any answers… send them in on a postcard….

Pizza Tuesday

Pizza Tuesday

I don’t know about everyone else, but at least among my friends, Pizza Tuesday is a bit of a holy day. Forget Sundays and the whole praying malarkey. I don’t believe in religion anyway. But one thing I do believe in, is the power of Pizza. Pizza Tuesday was first brought to my attention by some friends in Chesterfield who supported this Sabbath day each and every week. It became a ritual because of Domino’s, the wonderful place of worship, who began to supply twice the amount of pizza for the normal price.

Who could do such a momentous thing? It’s truly led by a forward-thinking, wondrous person. Never could another entrepreneur come up with such a special idea.

I can remember the first day that Pizza Tuesday touched my heart. It was almost two years ago now. Sat in the front room of a friend, surrounded by a dozen, or so, other worshippers. I was so happy. Half price pizza. 2-4-1. Epic.

And yesterday, Tuesday 14th December 2010 was the most recent time I worshipped the pizza church. Ham and Mushroom on a thin base. Large. Nothing cures a bad day more than a good dose of worship. And I worshipped hard.

So, for all of you who have not yet tasted the sweetness of Pizza-based religion, try it next Tuesday. Ring your nearest Domino’s-Pizza-Church.

Christmas Songs

Christmas number ones have been pretty dodgy for years. I mean, it stopped even really being a competition back in 2002 when Pop idols: The rivals winners’ Girls Aloud released their first single. From then on Pop idols and X Factor have dominated the Christmas number one spot and have ruined the idea of Christmas music being the festive fun loving stuff it used to be.

Most recently, 2004 had a real Christmas number one, with Band Aid 20 re-releasing Do They Know It’s Christmas. Before that Christmas singles stopped being number one in 1990. Thanks Cliff Richard. I blame your Saviour’s Day for ruining it. Well, you and Mr Cowell are the ones to blame, anyway. Stupid rich people.

I know that there are plenty of people who are happy to overthrow the grip of the X Factor from the Christmas number one spot. That was quite clear when Killing In The Name Of by Rage Against the Machine was used, successfully, in an online campaign to destory Joe McEldrey’s X Factor song.

This year, Bird is the Word by The Trashmen is being pushed to topple X Factor. Which is fairly funny. But… what about having a real Christmas song as Christmas number one. Right now, I’d even go for these really different DubStep re-mixes of original Christmas songs that Radio One are cranking out.

Can’t people enjoy Christmas songs anymore…?

Horror Movie Survival Guide

I have often discussed this topic with friends and have recently used it in my English lessons, either to help with instructional or creative writing. It’s an interesting topic to me because I feel that some of the general ideas within this are quite common sense, yet I’m not sure how many people would follow them in reality. Obviously, nobody in horror films have common sense. If they did, there would be no need for a full-length film. If the characters had common sense, any evil could be stopped within seconds, or, at best, minutes and that would stop any need for a film to be made around the issue.

For example, a serial killer with a knife comes at you. What do you do?

A – Run away very slowly, tripping over anything in your way, making sure to rip open your shirt and flash some skin.

B – Leg it. Drive like a maniac. Don’t stop until you’re miles away and with people who can genuinely kill the bastard themselves. Alternatively if you’re able to kill it yourself, use any means necessary. Get it killed a lot. If you kill it once, it’s probably not dead, so keep killing it until you literally have no flesh left to break apart.

C – Hide for a bit. Pop out later. Hope he’s gone. Probably just wait to die.

If you said anything other than B, a hard B nonetheless, then you deserve to die. Common sense.

I found the following ideas on a website (http://www.powwownow.co.uk/blog/opinions/horror-movie-survival-tips). It’s not the one I usually use in school, but it’s a little more detailed. (Other ideas can be found here: http://nac.tamu.edu/x075bb/survival.html) Have a look, and see if you can understand why it’s necessary to point these things out for certain movie idiots.

 

About buildings:

Never move in a house that was built on top of a cemetery/Indian burial ground. The same applies if the said house was once used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who turned out to be psycho killers or died in some gruesome way. If you like the house despite its past, bring a priest, exorcist, shaman and make sure to stock on holy water, bibles and a decent weapon (not forgetting some ammo – a gun without bullets is hardly efficient when facing Mr Psycho or hungry zombies).

When in a house or multi-storey building and trying to escape, make your way down. If you decide to ignore this advice, pack a parachute and carry it with you at all time, as once you’ve reached the top, your only escape will be to jump!

If you think something dangerous is lurking in the dark, please switch the light on!!! Especially if on your way to check the basement – or at least bring a torch light, not a candle!!!. However, the safest advice is “ignorance is bliss”: if you hear footsteps upstairs while on your own or if the phone rings but the lines are dead when you try to call back, leave without asking any questions (especially if you are a babysitter). And of course, if the door is locked, aim for a window instead of wasting your time trying to unlock it!

If your house starts to bleed or if knives start flying of their own accord, move out.

About locations:

Avoid cemeteries, crypts and any other house of the dead, especially at night. Even more if it is full moon or if there is no moon. Even more if alone or with some guy you’ve only known for a few hours.  Even more if said stranger has a chainsaw…

If a town looks deserted, there is probably a good reason why and an even more valid one for staying away.

About vehicles:

Always check the back seat of your car or the back of your van. Be especially cautious if doors are left wide open or unlocked.

If you run out of petrol, do not go to the nearest empty looking house, even if it has a light burning at the window (unless you are hoping to meet a sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania, of course!).

Even if your car’s been checked recently and has an up-to-date MOT, expect it not to start instantly when chased. You’ll usually have to try a couple of times before it ignites.

If possible, get on the bus as there will most likely be somebody on your car’s back seat, you will trip over if trying to run, taxi drivers are usually possessed or on some blood thirst driven quest, as for the tube… well, what sane person would like to be stuck underground in a dark tunnel when monsters and killers are on the rampage?

About people:

Beware of people who seem overly friendly or helpful. They’ll only be trying to lure you to their shack to skin you alive or offer you in sacrifice.

Beware of stranger carrying any type of odd weapons (including, but not restricted to: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws).

Beware of people you think would be fit to star in a horror movie in general (Goths don’t apply; they usually know how to kick some butt!)

Children who speak Latin, even more if in a guttural voice, and/or who have the number of the beast carved in their scalp are usually a bad omen.

If somebody you know gets bitten by a zombie, give up any hope and administer mercy killing instantly.

Fighting techniques:

When dealing with zombies, aim for the head. The brain is the centre of the nervous system. Don’t bother wasting your strength or ammo on other body parts.

When the baddie or monster looks dead, never go back to check it really is. Similarly, if you kill the psycho, never leave the room as his body will be gone when you return.

If a shotgun has no effect on the monster, don’t waste your time with the small handgun or the kitchen knife…

In general:

Nothing is ever over until day break so keep running/hiding until morning.

Never say “Who’s there?”.  You don’t want to know. Just run!

If you’ve been warned that saying something three times in front of a mirror will bear terrible consequences, please refrain from doing it!  Do not just do it in order to demonstrate how silly people can be! On the same basis, never make a joke of reading out loud incantations that will summon a demon.

If your dad gives you a cute fuzzy little animal for Christmas and it has certain rules to follow with regards to its diet, follow the rules!